Barney’s Version

I don’t know how Barney’s Version got past me, but I’ve been hearing good things about this movie for what seems like several years. I am a big fan of Paul Giamatti, but rarely as a leading man. I think he shined in the TV mini-series John Adams, but I prefer him in supporting film roles, like in The Ides of March, Duplicity, Shoot ‘Em Up, and Private Parts, and I will always remember him for the “forget about it” scene from Donnie Brasco.

I had a shit father, dad, or whatever you’re supposed to call assholes who contribute semen, but don’t participate in actual raising, and what to call him is almost as difficult as figuring out what to call black people in America without offending some faction. As far as I know I’m his only son and, even after almost dying in March, I haven’t heard one word from him in almost a decade. If I could pick any fictional father as my own I would pick either Ray Liotta in Blow, Christopher Walken in Catch Me If You Can, or Dustin Hoffman in Meet the Parents or Barney’s Version. Hoffman in the dinner scene and at the wedding is classic, and his death is as awesome as it is hilarious.

I recently had a conversation with one of my rehab nurses at Denton Regional. We came to the conclusion that you either find an interesting and crazy woman who may cut off your pisciatil and feed it to you, or settle for a boring but nice girl who has a steady job and will bear you children. This seems incredibly depressing, but not too far off my own personal experiences. I really like (or used to like before she fucked it up and made it overly complicated) being around CT, but she is out of her fucking mind and, at times, is more trouble than she’s worth for someone I’m not even getting a handjob from. The other chick in my life is my ex girlfriend who is nice, dependable, loyal, and we have a comfortable sexual chemistry, but she’s also boring, we have no spark, and there is no real future.

Barney settled and married three times, once to a whore, once to someone who was socially and financially acceptable, and once to a nice girl who was totally out of his league. I love how Barney fucked it up with the last one, as if he could top leaving his previous wife on his wedding night. I don’t believe in love, don’t believe in the whole “you complete me” Jerry Maguire nonsense, and don’t believe that there’s a person out there for everyone. I think the “see you next lifetime” theme of Erykah Badu’s song is more realistic. I’ve always joked that I want to get married once and then quickly divorce, if only for the experience of saying “I was married” and “my ex wife.”  I’m also afraid of settling, both personally and professionally. Meeting the woman of my dreams at my wedding seems like something I would do, or at least convince myself I’d done.

Though tragic, a huge chunk of Barney’s life is exactly how I imagine my life going.  Making mistake after romantic mistake, ruining my relationships with all people, having a revenge fuck because I’ve overreacted and over thought a situation that leads to a once dedicated woman walking out on me, and then forgetting it all in my final years.  I’m still not clear on what story this is Barney’s version of, but I love how the mystery of his friend’s death unfolds.

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